The FIRST time

WARNING Women (and even teenage women-in-training) like the simple things in life - this is why most of us are attracted to men and only the brightest of us are attracted to women. My first serious crush was no secret but I'll call him "Seabrooke" anyway. He was the greatest thing since sliced bread which is kind of ironic when you consider that while working for Goodman Fielder I was a Supervisor in charge of slicing 2500 loaves an hour for 12ish hours minimum per day. Anyway, I digress. My eyes adored him as the song goes and he barely knew I was alive until one extremely interesting New Years Eve found me on a living room floor in a sleeping bag with him on top of me 'trying to keep warm' (FYI New Year in New Zealand is the the middle of summer and this was happening in Hawkes Bay, an area reknown for it's wonderfully hot draught condition weather) when he asked "Do you mind?" I mean like wtf? Do I mind what? That it's the middle of the night and I'm still wide awake? That you're smothering me in my first kisses at an alarming rate? That you're a man of the world with a car and a job and considerably older than me? That you have an erection? That I have no idea what I look like right now? That morning will come and I may not be the same person I was the day before? As I struggled to find an appropriate answer to an unknown question my love rolled over and began to make out with the one and only slapper there (i.e. not me). So broke my heart. The End Thankfully it was also the beginning of better(?) more interesting things to come... such as did I mention his cousin?

Never make a promise you can't keep

She was young and stupid (obviously) and should have known better (but didn't) so promised that, if the day came when they were both over 30 and still single then they would marry each other instead of growing old alone. Nice. So some years , okay; many, many, many, years later she's at a funeral. His mother walks up and begins to 'chat'. Nathan is still single and off somewhere exotic changing the world and leading the life of a legioneer... "So you divorced?" Mother Dearest finally gets around to questioning... "Yes," she admits. Mother Dearest digs through her handbag and comes out with what suspiciously looks like a ring box. "Nathan and I have talked," she says, "and he asked me to give you this..." Ouch. A tall blondish vision of manly-ness walks by just in time to be grabbed by the arm and pulled over. "I remarried," she stammers. "This is my new husband." You could tell by the look in her eyes that the mother didn't believe a word of it...