Busting Out

I can remember wanting to be 9 stone. I wanted to go in and out in all the right places and be so fine it was painful. I was also childless and single. Many years later I do go in and out but honestly there are more "outs" than "ins". Living in a household of multiple teenage girls it is inadvisable to own bathroom scales - they are evil things no doubt invented by mother-inlaws. So here's the problem: I want to wear a bikini. In public. Without being arrested for indecent exposure. So how can I do this? Well there's nothing like public humiliation to get you going right? So I'm a converted Lido hooked-up LCM gym bunny. I not only sweat in public but also in front of mirrors as viewed by other people... some people just like self inflicting pain right? So 60kg here we come!!!! Yip, pass the coffee it's going to be one hell of a trip...

DDay was 25 May 2011

He wanted to be single, I wanted to be younger so I guess one of us got what we wanted... After Big Brother insisting that his mummy dearest is 24 for the last 3ish years, I've decided it's time to turn 25 and not a moment too soon. Do you know what it feels like to make the same mistake every day for over 10 years? Every day I tried to convince myself that he wasn't the self-centered arsehole he really is; that he really did love me and not just in a verbal sense; that the way he treated me and the kids was my fault and exactly what I deserved; that he didn't bathe or shave or take care of his personal hygiene because I wasn't worth the effort. As my battle with my deteriorating health peaked towards DDay and the side effects of taking so many hard core drugs destoryed the little sanity I had left I discovered that every battle I had to fight, I had to fight alone. The day he left he hadn't washed for 9 days straight. When he came to discuss things 2 days later he was still wearing the same stale uniform (even though I'd packed clean work gear for him when he left) and smelt even worse. Perhaps he saw in me the mother he never had and by the same token I imagined him to be like the father I still miss every day? All I ever asked was he be the kind of parent he always wanted for himself. In hindsight I see that the parent he was happy to be should have been sterilized at birth. Ouch.
I promised myself that he would be my Last Mistake.